Scene, tone, atmosphere Thailand beach. (sights, sounds, feelings)
It is summer. People are spread across the beach, watching the gorgeous sunset over the sea. It is the time of day where people no longer need to put sunscreen on anymore. Sand with a perfectly gentle hue of gold lays peacefully. Salty waves, as deeply green as the Amazon forest stretch as far as the eye can see. The sinking yellow sun casts a warm glow across the sky. Adults talk, laugh, and enjoy the view. Children jump around and play games. Some venture into the sea. The cold water laps at their feet. Waves ahead roll down and roar as they crash onto the shore, sizing on the warm sand. Soft sand molds their feet as they run. A jolly man who runs a pancake stand smiles at his customers and engages in friendly conversation. Golden hour light shimmers across everyone’s faces making them look beautiful. The smell of what the chefs inside the restaurant are cooking up for dinner floats around creating a mouth-watering feeling in the people nearby. There is a large group of people playing an exciting game of beach football.
Listen. Swish! The crowd screams as somebody scores the winning goal. The team that won the game run towards each other and jump around hugging and cheering as if they had just won the world cup. Sandcastles form under the palms of excited children. The sand, like cold lava, is scooped through their starfish fingers. The sky begins to bleed as if to foreshadow what is to come.
It is 7 o’clock. Nightfall is almost upon the paradise beach. Rising regal waves rave under a misty milky moon that lights up the sky. A cold breeze and lack of sun start to steal away the perfect temperature that there once was, no more than five minutes ago. Children’s games have ended and the adults are no longer laughing. The beach slowly becomes vacant, and the rats crawl out to occupy it. Not just actual rats. Gang members litter across the beach. Drug dealers operate a black market.
Look. The new inhabitants cross the drawbridge. Castle walls that once stood mute, now crumble to the ground. The fixed outlines of the castle that once blended into the buildings behind them, now lie defeated. A bird with grievous eyes and ink-stained wings seemed to float over the castle with the swift movement of a wing. Everyone knows that everything could turn to chaos in a matter of seconds, like a bomb certain to go off, but nobody knows when. Bang! The rats scuttle off in each and every direction. A body now lays like a ghoulish mannequin.
And then you kneel down next to the ruins and try to block out the attacks of guilt that you feel for being a part of this terrifying transformation. The world has become a pencil drawing, a masterpiece of the easel of the creator. You wait for it to rise anew. It is almost as if the nightfall is the closing of the curtains, and the dawn is to be the opening. Birds begin to sing on cue with their beautiful serenade. Others are still asleep through the death of the dark, but your task is to remain awake and witness the rebirth of the light.
- Take out personal pronouns
- Take out continuous
- taste, sights, views etc
- Vocab match up
- Show don’t tell
- Alter sentence sizes
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hi Charlie,
There is very little work here for me to comment on. It is essential that you develop the layers and details of your scene. You have the right structure, now you need to fill it out with the scene description.
Mrs P
Hi Charlie,
You need to work productively over the next few periods so that this piece gets completed.
A few things to consider:
– Make sure you are utilizing language which ‘shows’ the scene rather than ‘tells’ it. I know this is an old phrase that you will be familiar with but this task really is about the imagery. You want to create a scene that your reader can escape into.
– Think about your sentence structures and starters. At the moment, you are often opening sentences with the subject of that sentence and this means that there is a listed feeling to this piece at times. Look to develop that flow by varying the part of speech that you open with. Also, consider how you can alter the length and structure of sentences for effect. Many of yours are the same length and style.
– Ensure your language choices complement each other. At times, you have used vocabulary that does not match up with the image/idea you are creating. Look to create fluidity in your piece.
Let me know if you have any questions!
Mrs P