Assessment

From the top of the castle where I stood with my sword in my scabbard, the view displayed birds flying around, the trees green in the distance and the diamond blue lake sitting outside the walls. The wind pushed against me as I looked into the distance beyond the castle walls. It was hard work ruling my kingdom, but the thought of losing it all was unbearable. My mind was a maze.

General Cassius appeared, walked up to me and knelt.

“I have bad news” he stammered.

“Our navy was ambushed on their way back from the raid on Montlam harbor. Only three ships made it back”.

“We lost seventeen ships!” I exclaimed.

“Yes my king, Ishani’s fleet knew we were on our way back and they were ready for us waiting”.

“I should have predicted this would happen! Now that Ishani is loyal to King Lawrence, the chances of us winning this war are getting slimmer as we speak”. I whispered.

“You are King Caspian, you should call upon all of your allies and all who are loyal to you, and march on King Lawrence”, General Cassius insisted.

He could see the conflict exploding within my mind.

“I know you were like brothers with King Lawrence, my king, but you can’t forgive the fact that he has betrayed you”

The silence was barren. After what seemed like eternity, I responded with

“But what if he was manipulated”

“He has been causing extreme damage to our kingdom, he has killed hundreds of our troops and yet you still won’t launch the assault”

“I don’t think I can do it, I don’t think I can just launch an assault on him. Even after all he’s done. It would be the end of me.”

The snow fell upon King Tarrion’s hair like cushions falling onto a giant. He looked at me and asked

“Why have you come”.

“You have not been as supportive to my cause as I would have hoped”.

“Explain”.

Looking over the cliff that we had been standing upon, I mentioned

“I have been informed that King Lawerence’s troops weren’t all his on the battlefield that day, you sent him troops”.

“Well, maybe I am no longer loyal to you”.

As my face went red with anger King Tarrion saw me pull my sword out of my scabbard, and there was a loud sound of steel colliding when our swords met.

“Those troops you lent to King Lawrence are what caused him to win the battle of the Arch and lost me two thousand men.”

As the swords continued to make contact, men began to run over to us and draw their swords. Eight men that I had counted circling around the fight that was going on.

As I stared at him, he muttered

“Kill him”.

As the first man ran at me I struck right through him with one swift blow. As King Tarrion walked away and put his sword in its sheath, I continued to slice my way through the rest of his men.

When I was finished and eight dead bodies lay around me. The trees watched me as I walked back towards my kingdom, as if they were awaiting the decision I would have to make.

The castle greeted me at the gates. Walking into the counsel room, to see my highest generals and commanders yelling at each other, sat around a stone table with a map of the six kingdoms displayed across the table like bed sheets on a bed.

Silence fell upon the room. General Korsei ventured bravely “My king, we must march on King Lawrence at dawn.” His proposal was a spark in a dynamite factory.

“We must remain in our castles and fortify in case of attack” shouted Commander Romulus

“No, we must attack King Lawrence” argued General Zephyrus

As I stood, the entire room listening like deer listening for hunters.

I spoke “Prepare the remains of our fleet and prepare the army. I’ve made my decision. We attack at dawn.”

It was raining cats and dogs. Looking across the battlefield, we were outnumbered. King Lawrence had now acquired about 21,000 men, while I had only 16,000 troops on my side. The armies charged against each other like two rams going head-on.

Men were dropping like flies, the battle was already halfway over and we were losing. Our faces as King Lawrence and I spotted each other 20 meters away were astounded. Sprinting towards each other with our swords prepared. Our weapons met. We were two dancers doing the tango.

As my sword sunk into his heart he moaned “goodbye brother”. I couldn’t believe what I had done. The second I saw him die, I knew I had made the wrong decision in leading this assault.

2 Comments

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Hi Charlie,

Here is some feedback.

Remember that any time you start writing about a new idea you need to start a new paragraph. This applies to dialogue as well, new speaker, new paragraph. This helps your reader navigate your story and establishes a strong flow.
You are doing a lot of telling rather than showing. Remember to make your story more active in order to avoid just listing what is there/happening.
The difficult decision your character has to make is unclear. There doesn’t seem to be any struggle in any choice that gets made.

Keep at it.

Mr Johnson

Hi Charlie,

In addition to the previous feedback:

Be careful of run-on sentences. There are times where you use commas when you should be using a full-stop.
Be careful of your grammar and paragraphing. There are times when you have made a new paragraph when you shouldn’t.
The decision your character is struggling with making is not clear. You are doing a lot of telling, rather than showing.

Mr Johnson

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